Thursday, December 3, 2009
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
this is probably sad but....
there is something to this whole publicly yet anonymously whining on the internet that makes me feel better. Well that and getting my hair cut.
lost aka wallowing in self loathing/pity and fear (sorry)
I haven't been writing. In fact I haven't been doing much of anything. I slept through Thanksgiving and all accompanying festivities. I missed my family and friends. And yes, I'm freaking out right now and feeling sorry for myself and thats why I don't want to write. Because when I started this I really didn't want it to be just about my stupid body and whatever the hell is wrong with me. But I realized recently that that is all I can think about anymore. Even when I'm trying not to.
I'm afraid. I'm afraid to go out because I might fall or get sick . I keep remembering the day I fell in the mall w. Z. I don't want to embarrass her or make her feel bad because her mom is sick. I never know how I'm going to do each day. That's the thing, I just never know what my body will decide to do or feel or when to do it.
I keep thinking that I'm going to get better. That this is just all in my head and as long as I take care of that my body will be fine because I'm not really sick, right? I know they say I am, that there are significant physical disabilities I have that can explain all this. But I don't believe them. I think I'm crazy.
I know I just need to be patient, my appt. is next week and I still believe if anyone can help me they can. But my life is so fucking confusing to me right now. And I'm sad and scared and always cold. I can't face anyone I work with. I feel like I let everyone down.
Everything falls apart, the center does not hold.
I'm going to go out today, I have to in order to get some things I need. And I'm going to tell myself that I'm not going to fall or have trouble driving and miss my turn or be unable to park. I'm going to hide my brace so I don't look sick, I'll put on makeup and do my hair. And most of all, I'm not going to cry. At least not until I get back home.
I'm afraid. I'm afraid to go out because I might fall or get sick . I keep remembering the day I fell in the mall w. Z. I don't want to embarrass her or make her feel bad because her mom is sick. I never know how I'm going to do each day. That's the thing, I just never know what my body will decide to do or feel or when to do it.
I keep thinking that I'm going to get better. That this is just all in my head and as long as I take care of that my body will be fine because I'm not really sick, right? I know they say I am, that there are significant physical disabilities I have that can explain all this. But I don't believe them. I think I'm crazy.
I know I just need to be patient, my appt. is next week and I still believe if anyone can help me they can. But my life is so fucking confusing to me right now. And I'm sad and scared and always cold. I can't face anyone I work with. I feel like I let everyone down.
Everything falls apart, the center does not hold.
I'm going to go out today, I have to in order to get some things I need. And I'm going to tell myself that I'm not going to fall or have trouble driving and miss my turn or be unable to park. I'm going to hide my brace so I don't look sick, I'll put on makeup and do my hair. And most of all, I'm not going to cry. At least not until I get back home.
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