Sunday, February 7, 2010
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
another reason why I haven't written a book
Anne Lamott. A friend of mine gave me the book Traveling Mercies. Who would have thought that I'd ever voluntarily read a book written by "a fan" (my personal feeling is that God and I are good, it's his fan club that flips me out). But my friend is always telling me great stuff she's read by this woman and in my new life I'm a little better at accepting that along with my gait and balance, my cultural viewpoints might just be a little off.
So I've been reading this book and I absolutely love it. I really feel vindicated as far as writing goes, I now don't have to write anything for real because she already says everything I would, but way better. How can I not adore a "left-wing Christian" who publicly stated her belief that the right-wing members of the fan club who think "Jesus is coming back next Tuesday right after lunch" are "just spiritualizing their own hysteria."
I'm getting to be her biggest fan.
source: Anne Lamott, Traveling Mercies (Anchor Books, February 2000) p.60
So I've been reading this book and I absolutely love it. I really feel vindicated as far as writing goes, I now don't have to write anything for real because she already says everything I would, but way better. How can I not adore a "left-wing Christian" who publicly stated her belief that the right-wing members of the fan club who think "Jesus is coming back next Tuesday right after lunch" are "just spiritualizing their own hysteria."
I'm getting to be her biggest fan.
source: Anne Lamott, Traveling Mercies (Anchor Books, February 2000) p.60
Sunday, January 24, 2010
'dems r fightin' wurdz
I should know better. Even as I began typing, that little voice kept saying "Dude no. You don't wanna do this, you're just gonna harsh your own mellow". "Do some breathing, clean the kitchen, watch some tube, whatev - just stay out of it man, it's not like youre ever gonna change anything...." I really need to listen to myself more often.
However, I'm still pretty new at adhering to the whole "Live and let live" and "Be in the world but not of it" thing and old habits and thought patterns die hard. Some harder than others. So, against my better judgment I went an did it. I commented on a story in the Trib.
The story is about a woman who was, according to the paper and a city governing agency, discriminated against by her employer for having children. What made her situation unique is that instead of filing a suit in court, she filed a complaint with the Chicago Commission on Human Relations. I'm including a link to the piece if anyone wants to read it.
My comment wasn't actually on the story itself, which in hindsight says a lot. My comment was directed to a small percentage of other commentators, the ones who feel the workplace and the current tax code discriminates against people without children. I know, I know, touchy subject and not one I can really claim objectivity to as I'm now a parent. But I did work and pay taxes for many years as a non-parent so perhaps that grants me some leeway. Anyway, this is what I wrote:
This country is biased against the childless, WE NEED CHANGE!. Please start by contacting your parents and having them return all and any tax deductions (plus the appropriate interest) that they benefited from due to having you. If you attended public school, and rode a publicly funded school-bus, please add a transportation and education fee - if you attended a State or Community College be sure to include the difference in tuition between the public school and a comparable private university. Of course it goes without saying that if your parents ever received any type of public assistance, welfare, food stamps, state issued complete or reduced child health coverage, it will be returned to the tax payers immediately. If either of your parents worked, and took any time off from their jobs - yes this includes ducking out 20 min. early - due to you being ill, or worse, so they could attend some ridiculous recital, sporting event or Parent/Teacher conference please be sure to reimburse said company if this time was outside of the original work agreement. I believe a certain percentage of medical research is publicly funded so a small charge for any life-saving vaccinations or treatments must be added. Oh wait your parents paid taxes? I apologize, your parents aren't responsible, YOU are (their taxes only covered themselves). Please remit payment within 90 days.
Shortly after, the following rebuttal appeared:
This is where I really went wrong. I replied to the reply. I know, I know - I should have let it go, it's not important and getting into an anonymous pissing contest on the internet is an unnecessary, self imposed stress and time sucker that can be avoided easily enough. And really, why did I feel the need to express it, other than trying to be clever in that sarcastic, snarky way of mine that I truly am making an effort to change. Certainly I know the old adage regarding opinions is true, like a certain part of human anatomy, we all have one. I guess I just really felt the need to point mine out and with it being too cold to go to a nude beach, well this was the next best thing:
Dear AR, I completely agree with you, that's my point. We should ALL be paying only for ourselves and our personal use of public resources. I have no problem paying more in taxes for my use of Public Transit, just as I'm sure those who drive their own vehicles are happy to pay more for their use of public roadways. Let's all sit down and figure out how much we owe and who we owe it to. Obviously, if you've never benefited from anything in the tax code since the moment of your birth, or have never used any public service you will be exempt. Once we have it all figured out, there won't be any need for that silly piece of paper known as the constitution as we will no longer be a country. Another bonus to this is that once we function as truly separate individuals, no one will be able to dumb anyone down, as there will be no group representation. Won't it be great?
Other than going back to the comment section to copy what I've posted here, I've decided to avoid reading anymore. Perhaps this makes me a coward, you know the whole "Oh, you can dish it out but you can't take it" thing or maybe it makes me wise in that whole "I've learned my lesson and will continue to avoid unnecessary stress - and most stress is unnecessary" way. Everything has at least two ways of looking at it, whichever one you perceive as positive is probably the way to go.
But (or in reference to opinions, Butt) maybe, just maybe, I'm supposed to put myself out there once in a while and exercise my first amendment right to express my opinion, especially since I've benefited from that right and many others granted to those of us fortunate enough to live in what's still considered a free society. Especially when I feel a lot of those rights are being threatened by well and ill meaning people alike. Especially when others, many who were much better people than me, fought and died to establish and protect those rights. Especially when I made a conscious decision to bring another life into this world, one that will hopefully be here long after my own life has ended.
Along with actively working to demonstrate the values of compassion and empathy to her shouldn't I also demonstrate the meaning of those freedoms granted by our constitution by at least occasionally exercising them in what I believe to be a responsible, albeit silly manner?
I guess ultimately I need to be the one deciding what's important enough to me to fight for and what to just let go. Right or wrong, whether you agree with my position or not, to me the right to hold and express our opinions and have them heard by those willing to listen (or read as the case may be) is worth a little stress.
And hey, how cool is it that even though "AR" felt my logic was provincial and sophomoric, they apparently thought enough of my technical skill to assume I'd attended a university. Very Awesome.
Now if you'll excuse me, that anatomical area of mine could also use some exercise.
However, I'm still pretty new at adhering to the whole "Live and let live" and "Be in the world but not of it" thing and old habits and thought patterns die hard. Some harder than others. So, against my better judgment I went an did it. I commented on a story in the Trib.
The story is about a woman who was, according to the paper and a city governing agency, discriminated against by her employer for having children. What made her situation unique is that instead of filing a suit in court, she filed a complaint with the Chicago Commission on Human Relations. I'm including a link to the piece if anyone wants to read it.
My comment wasn't actually on the story itself, which in hindsight says a lot. My comment was directed to a small percentage of other commentators, the ones who feel the workplace and the current tax code discriminates against people without children. I know, I know, touchy subject and not one I can really claim objectivity to as I'm now a parent. But I did work and pay taxes for many years as a non-parent so perhaps that grants me some leeway. Anyway, this is what I wrote:
This country is biased against the childless, WE NEED CHANGE!. Please start by contacting your parents and having them return all and any tax deductions (plus the appropriate interest) that they benefited from due to having you. If you attended public school, and rode a publicly funded school-bus, please add a transportation and education fee - if you attended a State or Community College be sure to include the difference in tuition between the public school and a comparable private university. Of course it goes without saying that if your parents ever received any type of public assistance, welfare, food stamps, state issued complete or reduced child health coverage, it will be returned to the tax payers immediately. If either of your parents worked, and took any time off from their jobs - yes this includes ducking out 20 min. early - due to you being ill, or worse, so they could attend some ridiculous recital, sporting event or Parent/Teacher conference please be sure to reimburse said company if this time was outside of the original work agreement. I believe a certain percentage of medical research is publicly funded so a small charge for any life-saving vaccinations or treatments must be added. Oh wait your parents paid taxes? I apologize, your parents aren't responsible, YOU are (their taxes only covered themselves). Please remit payment within 90 days.
Shortly after, the following rebuttal appeared:
Who turned over the big rock to let all this out? Dear 'justmy2". Did you ever ride a CTA bus/el or RTA bus? I haven't. YOU should pay more in taxes. Did you go to a public university subsidized with tax dollars? I didn't. If you did, YOU should pay more. Give me a break. Your provincial, sophomoric logic dumbs us all down.
Dear AR, I completely agree with you, that's my point. We should ALL be paying only for ourselves and our personal use of public resources. I have no problem paying more in taxes for my use of Public Transit, just as I'm sure those who drive their own vehicles are happy to pay more for their use of public roadways. Let's all sit down and figure out how much we owe and who we owe it to. Obviously, if you've never benefited from anything in the tax code since the moment of your birth, or have never used any public service you will be exempt. Once we have it all figured out, there won't be any need for that silly piece of paper known as the constitution as we will no longer be a country. Another bonus to this is that once we function as truly separate individuals, no one will be able to dumb anyone down, as there will be no group representation. Won't it be great?
Other than going back to the comment section to copy what I've posted here, I've decided to avoid reading anymore. Perhaps this makes me a coward, you know the whole "Oh, you can dish it out but you can't take it" thing or maybe it makes me wise in that whole "I've learned my lesson and will continue to avoid unnecessary stress - and most stress is unnecessary" way. Everything has at least two ways of looking at it, whichever one you perceive as positive is probably the way to go.
But (or in reference to opinions, Butt) maybe, just maybe, I'm supposed to put myself out there once in a while and exercise my first amendment right to express my opinion, especially since I've benefited from that right and many others granted to those of us fortunate enough to live in what's still considered a free society. Especially when I feel a lot of those rights are being threatened by well and ill meaning people alike. Especially when others, many who were much better people than me, fought and died to establish and protect those rights. Especially when I made a conscious decision to bring another life into this world, one that will hopefully be here long after my own life has ended.
Along with actively working to demonstrate the values of compassion and empathy to her shouldn't I also demonstrate the meaning of those freedoms granted by our constitution by at least occasionally exercising them in what I believe to be a responsible, albeit silly manner?
I guess ultimately I need to be the one deciding what's important enough to me to fight for and what to just let go. Right or wrong, whether you agree with my position or not, to me the right to hold and express our opinions and have them heard by those willing to listen (or read as the case may be) is worth a little stress.
And hey, how cool is it that even though "AR" felt my logic was provincial and sophomoric, they apparently thought enough of my technical skill to assume I'd attended a university. Very Awesome.
Now if you'll excuse me, that anatomical area of mine could also use some exercise.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
my first "widget"
In honor of my Father, a past recipient of the Clara Barton Award, and my dear friend Veej, currently "in the trenches" here in the U.S.
Politics aside, I truly believe that the Red Cross makes our world a better place. To everyone who has ever donated money, blood, or time, thanks.
Politics aside, I truly believe that the Red Cross makes our world a better place. To everyone who has ever donated money, blood, or time, thanks.
Friday, January 22, 2010
a different sort of news
I've already rambled on enough today, and have stuff I need to do but I realized I hadn't posted the thing I wanted to, so...
For a while now, every morning I read the Trib on the web as part of my morning routine. Unfortunately, all of the stories and the accompanying comments end up really depressing me and start me thinking that life just sucks and we're all doomed. I've tried researching "Positive" news sites but many of them seem to be religious in nature, or just things I can't relate to.
Yesterday, I came across something called The Charter For Compassion. It's a movement by global citizens to recognize that compassion is critical for the survival of the human race and the planet we live on. As part of the website, you can click on micro stories of compassion as understood, experienced or demonstrated by people all over the world.
Finally, I found my "new" news. Check it out if you want -
www.thecharterforcompassion.org
For a while now, every morning I read the Trib on the web as part of my morning routine. Unfortunately, all of the stories and the accompanying comments end up really depressing me and start me thinking that life just sucks and we're all doomed. I've tried researching "Positive" news sites but many of them seem to be religious in nature, or just things I can't relate to.
Yesterday, I came across something called The Charter For Compassion. It's a movement by global citizens to recognize that compassion is critical for the survival of the human race and the planet we live on. As part of the website, you can click on micro stories of compassion as understood, experienced or demonstrated by people all over the world.
Finally, I found my "new" news. Check it out if you want -
www.thecharterforcompassion.org
Hello again
Wow. I really was depressed. Hard to believe that's where my head and heart were only a month and a half ago, reading that "A" list from my perspective today it feels like another lifetime.
So what's changed? I guess you could say my mindset. I'm still "sick" per say, still have chronic muscle damage, spinal injuries, fibro, depression, pain and "holes in my brain"; MDM hasn't completely moved in and Z is still 11 and wielding her adolescence with exceptional skill. Perhaps I've just finally lost it completely and crossed over into the world of blissful denial. I suppose it's possible, but I don't think so and even if I have, hell, it's working pretty well for me and those around me so why try to tear it apart?
I started the full-day pain program at RIC on 12/21, at that time I had manged to pull myself out of the really bad place enough so I could absorb what they were teaching me. Always the obnoxious "smart kid" in the class, I reverted to that form and really worked at participating. I also found myself being the one I normally hate - you know, the dreaded PP (perky person). But putting myself in that role really helped me, and I think/hope it helped some of the others in my group.
At some point and time during one of our group psych. classes, I confessed that I'm not naturally an extrovert, or a positive person, in fact I'm very introverted, quiet, and exceedingly cynical. None of them believed me, which I now view as a complement. Making a conscious effort to go against my nature has brought a lot of positive benefits to my life. I'm still working at it every day and have made a commitment to myself and the world around me to continue to do so - Sorry Tam, I'll try not to be too annoying when I get back to work ; )
Anyway, I graduated last Friday, January 15th. Physically speaking, it's amazing how far I've come. On the first day, I could barely walk, was still having really bad tremors and spasms, wore my ear plugs all the time and jumped at each and every noise. My legs gave out on me partway through the day and I fell on the floor in front of everyone. Fast forward four weeks and I'm up to doing 25 minutes of interval training on the treadmill, have gained back nearly 90% of my flexibility, haven't used my earplugs or fallen in nearly three weeks, am able to actually eat a full meal once in a while and my tremors and spasms are much less frequent.
Yes, I'm still hypersensitive, physically weak and in pain, but I have the tools to deal with it, which I think the most import one is a diagnosis. Knowing what's causing all of this is huge for me, gives a whole new meaning to the phrase "Knowledge is Power". I'm finally on a medicine regime that's working for me as opposed to "Let's throw this one and see if it sticks - oh, you have side effects, here's three more". I'm continuing to exercise, stretch, practice biofeedback techniques and just really trying to stay in each moment, i.e. being "mindful".
I honestly don't think this program would have worked for me five or even three years ago. My head just wasn't in the right place to absorb it and make use of it. I guess it just really took my body falling apart and becoming disabled for my mind to stop being crippled.
So what's changed? I guess you could say my mindset. I'm still "sick" per say, still have chronic muscle damage, spinal injuries, fibro, depression, pain and "holes in my brain"; MDM hasn't completely moved in and Z is still 11 and wielding her adolescence with exceptional skill. Perhaps I've just finally lost it completely and crossed over into the world of blissful denial. I suppose it's possible, but I don't think so and even if I have, hell, it's working pretty well for me and those around me so why try to tear it apart?
I started the full-day pain program at RIC on 12/21, at that time I had manged to pull myself out of the really bad place enough so I could absorb what they were teaching me. Always the obnoxious "smart kid" in the class, I reverted to that form and really worked at participating. I also found myself being the one I normally hate - you know, the dreaded PP (perky person). But putting myself in that role really helped me, and I think/hope it helped some of the others in my group.
At some point and time during one of our group psych. classes, I confessed that I'm not naturally an extrovert, or a positive person, in fact I'm very introverted, quiet, and exceedingly cynical. None of them believed me, which I now view as a complement. Making a conscious effort to go against my nature has brought a lot of positive benefits to my life. I'm still working at it every day and have made a commitment to myself and the world around me to continue to do so - Sorry Tam, I'll try not to be too annoying when I get back to work ; )
Anyway, I graduated last Friday, January 15th. Physically speaking, it's amazing how far I've come. On the first day, I could barely walk, was still having really bad tremors and spasms, wore my ear plugs all the time and jumped at each and every noise. My legs gave out on me partway through the day and I fell on the floor in front of everyone. Fast forward four weeks and I'm up to doing 25 minutes of interval training on the treadmill, have gained back nearly 90% of my flexibility, haven't used my earplugs or fallen in nearly three weeks, am able to actually eat a full meal once in a while and my tremors and spasms are much less frequent.
Yes, I'm still hypersensitive, physically weak and in pain, but I have the tools to deal with it, which I think the most import one is a diagnosis. Knowing what's causing all of this is huge for me, gives a whole new meaning to the phrase "Knowledge is Power". I'm finally on a medicine regime that's working for me as opposed to "Let's throw this one and see if it sticks - oh, you have side effects, here's three more". I'm continuing to exercise, stretch, practice biofeedback techniques and just really trying to stay in each moment, i.e. being "mindful".
I honestly don't think this program would have worked for me five or even three years ago. My head just wasn't in the right place to absorb it and make use of it. I guess it just really took my body falling apart and becoming disabled for my mind to stop being crippled.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
A is for....
Abandoned
Alone
Agonized
Ashamed
....I know there's more, I just can't really think right now.
Alone
Agonized
Ashamed
....I know there's more, I just can't really think right now.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
this is probably sad but....
there is something to this whole publicly yet anonymously whining on the internet that makes me feel better. Well that and getting my hair cut.
lost aka wallowing in self loathing/pity and fear (sorry)
I haven't been writing. In fact I haven't been doing much of anything. I slept through Thanksgiving and all accompanying festivities. I missed my family and friends. And yes, I'm freaking out right now and feeling sorry for myself and thats why I don't want to write. Because when I started this I really didn't want it to be just about my stupid body and whatever the hell is wrong with me. But I realized recently that that is all I can think about anymore. Even when I'm trying not to.
I'm afraid. I'm afraid to go out because I might fall or get sick . I keep remembering the day I fell in the mall w. Z. I don't want to embarrass her or make her feel bad because her mom is sick. I never know how I'm going to do each day. That's the thing, I just never know what my body will decide to do or feel or when to do it.
I keep thinking that I'm going to get better. That this is just all in my head and as long as I take care of that my body will be fine because I'm not really sick, right? I know they say I am, that there are significant physical disabilities I have that can explain all this. But I don't believe them. I think I'm crazy.
I know I just need to be patient, my appt. is next week and I still believe if anyone can help me they can. But my life is so fucking confusing to me right now. And I'm sad and scared and always cold. I can't face anyone I work with. I feel like I let everyone down.
Everything falls apart, the center does not hold.
I'm going to go out today, I have to in order to get some things I need. And I'm going to tell myself that I'm not going to fall or have trouble driving and miss my turn or be unable to park. I'm going to hide my brace so I don't look sick, I'll put on makeup and do my hair. And most of all, I'm not going to cry. At least not until I get back home.
I'm afraid. I'm afraid to go out because I might fall or get sick . I keep remembering the day I fell in the mall w. Z. I don't want to embarrass her or make her feel bad because her mom is sick. I never know how I'm going to do each day. That's the thing, I just never know what my body will decide to do or feel or when to do it.
I keep thinking that I'm going to get better. That this is just all in my head and as long as I take care of that my body will be fine because I'm not really sick, right? I know they say I am, that there are significant physical disabilities I have that can explain all this. But I don't believe them. I think I'm crazy.
I know I just need to be patient, my appt. is next week and I still believe if anyone can help me they can. But my life is so fucking confusing to me right now. And I'm sad and scared and always cold. I can't face anyone I work with. I feel like I let everyone down.
Everything falls apart, the center does not hold.
I'm going to go out today, I have to in order to get some things I need. And I'm going to tell myself that I'm not going to fall or have trouble driving and miss my turn or be unable to park. I'm going to hide my brace so I don't look sick, I'll put on makeup and do my hair. And most of all, I'm not going to cry. At least not until I get back home.
Friday, November 20, 2009
all before 2:00 pm
Today is surprising. I actually have some control over my body and while still pretty shaky, am not so weak. So far I've done a load of laundry (even put it away!), put away the dishes, cleaned the tub, and left the house on my own. Pretty amazing, huh?
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Monday, November 16, 2009
soundtrack
5:30 am - NPR. I have no idea what they're blabbing about but I want them to shut up.
Mid morning, around 10:30 - Dixie Chicks. Put on before shower and just kept them playing. They are excellent for a toothache.
12:10 pm - OMW to the dentist. It's the first time I've seen one in over 10 years. I've been meditating, deep breathing, visualizing, taking ibuprofin. I notice my driving seems more defensive than usual but am fighting the fibro-fog. I'm actually listening to the radio at a volume higher than a baby's music box. MIX101? Fresh105? I have no idea but it's okay, not bothering me. I recognize most of the songs but have no idea what they were. I arrive early and take a xanax in the parking garage and do some more breathing, keeping the radio on.
12: 35 pm - Anxiety building against the background noise of that blast from the past, dental office staple of "Brandy". I'm pretty sure that played at my last dentist appt - and the one 10 years before that, and 10 years before that....I text my sister: "...Oh the pain."
1:something or other - Am in the dreaded chair sucking in nitro as if my life depended on it. No music here, just the television which the uber business-like nurse had tuned to wife swap. Enough said. I asked them to turn it off.
2:00 pm? - Am OMW to the pharmacy, need an antibiotic. The radio is on again but I don't notice it, I just want to get home. I can't talk and am kind of freaked out that I actually did this. I mean, it's the dentist......
Sometime after 3:00 pm to present - I remember getting in the door, peeling off my clothes and brace, and pulling on my soft stuff. I grab some water, a swig of kiefer, I'd done drive-thru and gotten a chocolate shake. I boot up my computer and send an email to MDM to please cx panda's appt. I turn on my ipod, a huge playlist of a lot of my favorite older and indie songs that I created by accident. Right now am listening to The Smiths, "How Soon Is Now", earlier it was a lot of Moody Blues. I'm so thankful to be home, and I'm Super-Thankful that my brandy is in the cabinet and not on my ipod.
Mid morning, around 10:30 - Dixie Chicks. Put on before shower and just kept them playing. They are excellent for a toothache.
12:10 pm - OMW to the dentist. It's the first time I've seen one in over 10 years. I've been meditating, deep breathing, visualizing, taking ibuprofin. I notice my driving seems more defensive than usual but am fighting the fibro-fog. I'm actually listening to the radio at a volume higher than a baby's music box. MIX101? Fresh105? I have no idea but it's okay, not bothering me. I recognize most of the songs but have no idea what they were. I arrive early and take a xanax in the parking garage and do some more breathing, keeping the radio on.
12: 35 pm - Anxiety building against the background noise of that blast from the past, dental office staple of "Brandy". I'm pretty sure that played at my last dentist appt - and the one 10 years before that, and 10 years before that....I text my sister: "...Oh the pain."
1:something or other - Am in the dreaded chair sucking in nitro as if my life depended on it. No music here, just the television which the uber business-like nurse had tuned to wife swap. Enough said. I asked them to turn it off.
2:00 pm? - Am OMW to the pharmacy, need an antibiotic. The radio is on again but I don't notice it, I just want to get home. I can't talk and am kind of freaked out that I actually did this. I mean, it's the dentist......
Sometime after 3:00 pm to present - I remember getting in the door, peeling off my clothes and brace, and pulling on my soft stuff. I grab some water, a swig of kiefer, I'd done drive-thru and gotten a chocolate shake. I boot up my computer and send an email to MDM to please cx panda's appt. I turn on my ipod, a huge playlist of a lot of my favorite older and indie songs that I created by accident. Right now am listening to The Smiths, "How Soon Is Now", earlier it was a lot of Moody Blues. I'm so thankful to be home, and I'm Super-Thankful that my brandy is in the cabinet and not on my ipod.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Weekend summary
I had some really good moments this weekend, that was very cool. It was so nice to see Miyo, and what parts of the movie I saw were fun. Going out to dinner Friday was a hit - I think I figured it out. If I feel good, I need to just go ahead and make a plan and execute it. I didn't tell M or Z what I wanted to do, they just both got home, I told them, we did it and am pretty sure we all had a good time. Bonus ; ).
But now it's Sunday night and I'm tired. My limbs don't want to move, my shoulder and neck ache. But my last mission of the evening is to get rid of this god-awful toothache I've had all day. I've taken tons of ibuprofen, finished my vicodin, used three different topical preparations and have resorted to my father's old cure of brandy. I'm mixing mine w/ pomegranate juice and a splash of ginger ale in addition to the cotton ball treatment.
Am going to have to break down and go to dentist tomorrow if no improvement, I sense pain driven insanity on the horizon.
But now it's Sunday night and I'm tired. My limbs don't want to move, my shoulder and neck ache. But my last mission of the evening is to get rid of this god-awful toothache I've had all day. I've taken tons of ibuprofen, finished my vicodin, used three different topical preparations and have resorted to my father's old cure of brandy. I'm mixing mine w/ pomegranate juice and a splash of ginger ale in addition to the cotton ball treatment.
law and order and medical marijuana
I am without a doubt one of the biggest Law and Order geeks out there. I've watched it ever since the first season, sometimes drifting away but always coming back. It has been my longest running, sustainable relationship with an entire group of people.
This year, Lt.VanBuren has ovarian cancer caused by previously undetected HPV. She's going through chemo and having a hard time.
On Friday's episode, her son brings her a joint he got from a nurse in an oncology ward at the hospital near his college. She gets defensive, saying this was not how she raised him. Her son is pragmatic about her illness and says it's up to her. He leaves the room. Her bf comes over and she accuses him of being in cahoots with her son, she is "an officer of the court, sworn to hold up the law". He shrugs and tells her she's a sick woman who can't keep her food down. He is also very pragmatic about it. No drama, just the facts.
In her next scene, she is at the station and pulled aside by the "Chief of D's". He tells her someone reported smelling marijuana on her clothes. Pulling her into a corridor, he asks her if she's crazy, holding onto her arm with one hand and reaching into his pocket with the other. He takes out a box of mints and gives it to her, telling her they can hide anything on her breath.. He then tells her to change her clothes after she smokes. Her confused amazement at his actions doesn't keep her from agreeing with him. "Chief?" she asks. "Oral cancer three years ago" he replies. "That stuff was the only thing that got me through". The show than returned to the main plot and did not mention med. mj, or cancer for the rest of the episode.
Have I mentioned how much I love Law and Order?
The link below is from my dear friend vj who continually tries to get me to move to Portland for my health. One of the many reasons I love her.
http://www.reuters.com/article/domesticNews/idUSTRE5AD06O20091114?rpc=60
This year, Lt.VanBuren has ovarian cancer caused by previously undetected HPV. She's going through chemo and having a hard time.
On Friday's episode, her son brings her a joint he got from a nurse in an oncology ward at the hospital near his college. She gets defensive, saying this was not how she raised him. Her son is pragmatic about her illness and says it's up to her. He leaves the room. Her bf comes over and she accuses him of being in cahoots with her son, she is "an officer of the court, sworn to hold up the law". He shrugs and tells her she's a sick woman who can't keep her food down. He is also very pragmatic about it. No drama, just the facts.
In her next scene, she is at the station and pulled aside by the "Chief of D's". He tells her someone reported smelling marijuana on her clothes. Pulling her into a corridor, he asks her if she's crazy, holding onto her arm with one hand and reaching into his pocket with the other. He takes out a box of mints and gives it to her, telling her they can hide anything on her breath.. He then tells her to change her clothes after she smokes. Her confused amazement at his actions doesn't keep her from agreeing with him. "Chief?" she asks. "Oral cancer three years ago" he replies. "That stuff was the only thing that got me through". The show than returned to the main plot and did not mention med. mj, or cancer for the rest of the episode.
Have I mentioned how much I love Law and Order?
The link below is from my dear friend vj who continually tries to get me to move to Portland for my health. One of the many reasons I love her.
http://www.reuters.com/article/domesticNews/idUSTRE5AD06O20091114?rpc=60
more history from the fm board, written nov. 5, 2009
guilt and shame Hello. I am new to this community and was hoping someone who has lived w. FM for a while would share some of their experiences and feelings about having an invisible illness.
I've been on the diagnostic merry-go-round for several years but the past year has been non-stop. Reading different articles about fm, I realize how fortunate I am to have gotten many of the exclusion tests out of the way in only a year. I went from my doctors thinking I had MS or some other demyelinating disorder, to being told my pain, muscle spasms, fatigue, weakness etc are a result of previously sustained trauma to my muscular-skeletal system and depression, to this new tentative diagnosis of FM. I am again very fortunate that I live in a city which houses the leading rehabilitation hospital in the country and have been referred to them for fibro evaluation which hopefully I will be able to have soon.
Here's the thing. I have been trying to research FM from all sides - those in the medical community who support the diagnosis and hypothesis that it is a neurological disorder, those who believe it is psychosocial, those who have been diagnosed and are managing the condition, and those who are simply trying to figure out whether their acquaintances, co-workers, family members etc are really physically ill or are they just people who can't handle reality. I'm not sure what I think. I know I perceive my pain as real, the cold fire which seems to have replaced the blood in my veins and runs through me making me feel as if I'm being flayed from the inside out. The frequent migraines, the hot and cold flashes, the trouble sleeping, the relentless dull awl that bores into my back in a spot under my shoulder. The weakness in my legs and the crippling fatigue. These are all real - to me. Other symptoms can be seen, the muscle spasms, gait issues and red eyes. The 30 lbs I've lost without trying. These are noticeable by people other than me. I've read story after story, people I don't know describing what I feel. Shouldn't that be enough to convince me? But I also know that as the anti-fibro medical camp points out, I do have a history of depression and emotional problems.....I've had panic attacks over the last 6 years, so I guess you could say I have a history of generalized anxiety as well.
I feel so conflicted, guilty and ashamed. What if through my mental weaknesses, I've made myself sick? I thought I had for the most part dealt with my child-hood emotional traumas. I've gone to counseling several times over the past 20 years, accepted that I need medication for my depression and seek out help when I realize I'm going over the edge. Over the past 10 years I have started trying to take responsibility for my physical health as well by getting regular yearly check-ups, eating right, trying to fit in exercise. I attended physical therapy after the car accidents which damaged my back and made the changes suggested. But what if after all is said and done, I'm just really a bad, weak, lazy person who doesn't want to have to work or face up to my responsibilities as a parent, daughter, sister, friend etc. What if I'm so far gone, that I've now made myself sick instead of facing reality?
Please, please, please, don't take this as an attack on anyone here or in the greater fm community. I don't know what the truth is and it's probably different for everyone, so that's what I'm trying to find out. I just know I have to do something, I can't live this way. If it is my fault, if I'm doing this to my body subconsciously, than I will go to whatever counseling, exercise programs etc suggested in order to face up to it. If it does have it's roots in neurology, than again, I will do whatever it takes to manage this.
Again, I truly hope I haven't offended anyone. I just need to figure this out so I can do something about it.
Thank you for listening.
I've been on the diagnostic merry-go-round for several years but the past year has been non-stop. Reading different articles about fm, I realize how fortunate I am to have gotten many of the exclusion tests out of the way in only a year. I went from my doctors thinking I had MS or some other demyelinating disorder, to being told my pain, muscle spasms, fatigue, weakness etc are a result of previously sustained trauma to my muscular-skeletal system and depression, to this new tentative diagnosis of FM. I am again very fortunate that I live in a city which houses the leading rehabilitation hospital in the country and have been referred to them for fibro evaluation which hopefully I will be able to have soon.
Here's the thing. I have been trying to research FM from all sides - those in the medical community who support the diagnosis and hypothesis that it is a neurological disorder, those who believe it is psychosocial, those who have been diagnosed and are managing the condition, and those who are simply trying to figure out whether their acquaintances, co-workers, family members etc are really physically ill or are they just people who can't handle reality. I'm not sure what I think. I know I perceive my pain as real, the cold fire which seems to have replaced the blood in my veins and runs through me making me feel as if I'm being flayed from the inside out. The frequent migraines, the hot and cold flashes, the trouble sleeping, the relentless dull awl that bores into my back in a spot under my shoulder. The weakness in my legs and the crippling fatigue. These are all real - to me. Other symptoms can be seen, the muscle spasms, gait issues and red eyes. The 30 lbs I've lost without trying. These are noticeable by people other than me. I've read story after story, people I don't know describing what I feel. Shouldn't that be enough to convince me? But I also know that as the anti-fibro medical camp points out, I do have a history of depression and emotional problems.....I've had panic attacks over the last 6 years, so I guess you could say I have a history of generalized anxiety as well.
I feel so conflicted, guilty and ashamed. What if through my mental weaknesses, I've made myself sick? I thought I had for the most part dealt with my child-hood emotional traumas. I've gone to counseling several times over the past 20 years, accepted that I need medication for my depression and seek out help when I realize I'm going over the edge. Over the past 10 years I have started trying to take responsibility for my physical health as well by getting regular yearly check-ups, eating right, trying to fit in exercise. I attended physical therapy after the car accidents which damaged my back and made the changes suggested. But what if after all is said and done, I'm just really a bad, weak, lazy person who doesn't want to have to work or face up to my responsibilities as a parent, daughter, sister, friend etc. What if I'm so far gone, that I've now made myself sick instead of facing reality?
Please, please, please, don't take this as an attack on anyone here or in the greater fm community. I don't know what the truth is and it's probably different for everyone, so that's what I'm trying to find out. I just know I have to do something, I can't live this way. If it is my fault, if I'm doing this to my body subconsciously, than I will go to whatever counseling, exercise programs etc suggested in order to face up to it. If it does have it's roots in neurology, than again, I will do whatever it takes to manage this.
Again, I truly hope I haven't offended anyone. I just need to figure this out so I can do something about it.
Thank you for listening.
journey to the center of ....my body? my mind? my soul? I think it's all three....
WARNING - SUPERLONG AND PROBABLY VERY BORING
This post is some background on my physical condition and what my body and I have experienced over the past year. Feel free to skip this stuff or anything else on this blog ftm, I prefer the idea of people reading it in theory. It's rambling, in rough stages and I will probably continue to edit. It will be a work in progress. I have the ulterior motive of finding a way to put a comprehensive history together for my upcoming appt. at RIC for a FMS/Spinal deterioration and chronic pain evaluation. I've haven't been able to do that yet and I know it's important.I want to focus on the past year because that's when I first learned words like "Demyelination", Stenosis, Ankylosing Spondolitis and a whole bunch of other words that get tagged by spellcheck.
I researched others I had heard but never bothered to really learn what they meant. After all they were those words you see on other peoples blogs and msg.brd postings. They are headlines, sound bites, and homemade fliers wrapped around extra large mayonnaise jars placed next to cash registers. They belong to the world I live in not to me, they belong to *Other People* . Words like "Multiple Sclerosis", "Rheumatoid Arthritis", "Lyme Disease", "Central Nervous System Disorder", "Muscular Dystrophy", "Fibromyalgia". Some other words I'm too embarrassed to post.
And then there's the really bad words. Words like "No Cure" and "Disabled", and "Fatigue". And of course, "Severe, Chronic Pain". Severe. Chronic. Pain. I never really believed in those words. I do now. It doesn't stop, it doesn't go away. Sometimes it gets a little better. It changes and moves and I never know from moment to moment what my body's going to do next.
Below is something I posted on a fibro board. It's an overly verbose ramble trying to describe my pain and it was finally made me do the blog. At least this way no one has to read it.
Hi Wanda and Jess,
Well, to try and answer your original question, "How did I first feel before someone mentioned FM to me?" I'll have to leave a pretty long post, so my apologies to all in advance and consider yourselves warned
My understanding is that it's different for everyone but I can tell you for me it started with an unbearable pain in my hip. I wasn't doing anything, just sitting on the train on my way home. The pain was so bad I could barely walk for 3 days. I actually literally draped myself in thermacare patches and did my best not to limp in public. Than it seemed to move to my leg and butt. One night my daughter and I watched the muscles in my thigh jump of their own volition (am i weird for saying that was kind of cool
?).Anyway the pain moved to my back but I was used to due to back injuries I sustained over several car accidents - I am a magnet for IDLV, Idiots Driving Lage Vehicles, lol. But my legs continued to spasm and get progressively weaker, especially my left. I started losing my balance, having dizzy spells. My neck and shoulders were killing me and I would have random shooting pains everywhere. My head, arms, hands and legs tingled and migraines became a daily occurrence. I would have periodic numb spots on my thighs, arms and face. I grew weaker and weaker and more exhausted. I could barely walk.
I finally gave in and went on STD. I was under the care of a neuro, an MRI had shown signs of demyelination in my brain. I underwent a battery of tests all which came back negative except for exacerbation of my previous spine injuries and some chronic muscle damage, probably from when I was a gymnast. They tried PT, (e-stim and ultrasound) but it did nothing for me. Neither did Neurontin, or increasing my effexor, or putting me on clonazapam. When I wasn't at the doctor, I was sleeping. After about 2 months of tests they decided what was wrong with me was all the drugs they had put me on, including my blood pressure meds.
So I stopped everything but the effexor and went back to work, part time for a few weeks and than back to full. I felt fantastic for two full weeks, the memory is on my current top ten desert island must haves. Then slowly but surely I stated to wear down again. I feel like a worn out toy who is left turned on all the time. My limp returned. I started to have muscle spasms all over, not just my legs. Things started to really hurt again. Added bonus, my skin often started feeling as if I had been sunburnt....or flayed from the inside. There were/are times my bf will just gently caress me and I have to beg him to stop because it feels like his fingers are stroking me with trails of fire. More than anyone, he's witnessed what's happened to me. How much I've changed. At this point my neuro referred me to an anasthesiologist for an epidural for my lumbar spine. Ah, tricky, devious illness that I may or may not have, by the time I went to see him, the pain had moved mostly to my upper back. But fate intervened, they had lost my records so no shot for me!(needs a soup nazi icon).
The anesthesiologist was the one who focused on FM. My neuro and gp had both gave it about 5 seconds thought and discounted it. Their dx consisted of "Well, we know you have some kind of neuromuscular disorder, we just don't know what.
So here I am today, close to one year to when it all began.
My legs are once again extremely shaky and weak. I'm afraid to walk because they give out and I fall - a lot. I can't seem to eat much. I'm nauseated most of the time and my body's thermometer is in worse shape than my cars - and trust me that's pretty sad, lol. I constantly have hot flashes and cold sweats. My left shoulder is in terrible pain, I can barely lift that arm. Often it feels like the muscles and tendons have been replaced by rubber bands, I feel like one of those jointed dolls on the little platforms. You push in the bottom and it pulls the bands connecting the joints and causes the figure to contort in kinds of positions. That's me.
There is a spot just under my shoulder and another at the base of my skull that both feel like someone is working 24/7, boring a steady hole there with a dull, burning awl. And sometimes when I'm standing up or trying to walk, my hips twitch like Shakira (actually not so bad, the bf likes it and it cracks my daughter up when I ask her if she wants to do the bump
) For me, most of my best moments these days are when I can make my daughter laugh, or at least smile. Obviously I'm out of work again. I lasted aprox. 3 months before ending up like I currently am - pretty much bed ridden and back on a whole slew of meds again, which while not fixing anything, are at least making it more bearable to get through the days and nights. I have an appt. on 12/7 to go for a fibro / spinal injury evaluation and pain management program at a local rehabilitation hospital.
Anyway, if you actually stayed reading this overlong ramble, I once again apologize. And Wanda and Jess, i hope this answered your original question
Peace to all,
a
pirate radio last night
Good, funny flick. I kept waiting for the knife in my gut reaction I get when misplaced tragedy shows up in a film and was very, very, pleasantly surprised that it never came. Great casting. Nice to get out of the house w. my sister even if I wasn't at my best.
morning profound thought aka "it's the meds"
When I was a child I rushed blindly into things, my heart was the only source of information needed. I listened to it and jumped (often with what seemed at the time to be disastrous consequences) As an adult I research everything, compare the data, think around every corner, consider all the facts, arguments, and people who may be affected. I spend eons on the fence and avoid taking action. I drive myself crazy. But strangely it seems that lately despite all heavy, proper grownup thinking,I do best when I listen to my heart, and jump.
p.s. dear m- the person may not be me, but the river she's jumping into is the same one i did all those years ago
p.s. dear m- the person may not be me, but the river she's jumping into is the same one i did all those years ago
Saturday, November 14, 2009
blast from the past - my take on automotive repairs circa 1996
Rick's wedding. Wicked hot day, summer in FL. My car had been acting up for a while. I drove the 40 miles east w. all the windows open as the ac was out. The engine sounded like a sick dirtbike and the steering wheel was vibrating like a tuning fork. Took note of these things and chose to ignore, of course. Stopped at CircleK outside town and peeled my soaking cutoffs and tank top off against the backdrop of a conv. store public restroom.. 10 min, tons of gel, makeup, and many fevered prayers that the lighting at the reception would be in my favor, I rushed out. I was transformed in that miraculous way only 4 inch black patent leather stilettos can do for me. Started the car, heard a clunk. Looked under it and saw a big bolt. Had a moment of angst, did this come from my car? I tossed it in the back seat and sped off to the wedding.......
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As a born and bred New Englander raised on Revolutionary War history, I'm deeply offended by the use of "Tea Party" to describe the current movement being pimped by Rush Limbaugh, Sarah Palin and other right winged celobbys.
The original Tea Party was held to protest taxation of the colonies without their having representation in the monarchy of King George. Ironically it seems that members of this new Tea Party espouse the free market and trickle down economic theories that have decimated our public and private wealth for all but a small group of Americans and added even more insult to an already injurious tax code. They also support the recent decision by the Supreme Court legalizing the sale of our country to the highest bidder.
Now only exceedingly wealthy corporations, private agenda organizations and individual billionaires will have representation in our government. I'm not naive enough to think this hasn't been the case for most elected officials since the Reagan era, however there are still some members of Congress who seem to actually represent those who voted for them and not just those who paid for them. Regardless of whether I support either ones views, the names Ron Paul and Dennis Kucinich come to mind.
It's hard to say what is most frightening about this, the absolute and nearly irrevocable power of money or the ability of foreign business interests and governments to legislate U.S. policy. Perhaps we should just go ahead and change our name now to the "Dubaited States of America".
The values of John and Samuel Adams, Benjamen Franklin, Thomas Jefferson, Dr. Joseph Warren, Paul Revere, Robert Treat Paine and the many others who worked to found our nation are not represented by the actions of this new breed of "patriot". Seriously people, bitching about the state of the economy and how unfair government is to the working man while you're spending over $500 to attend a convention and rubber chicken banquet - plus travel and accommodation fees- is a bit clueless.
This time it's not the tea that needs to be dumped, it's the party goers.